*Disclaimer – This post may or may not contain adult content, depending on how much coffee I drink from now until it’s finished.
What do Microsoft Xbox(pick one) and Taylor Swift have in common? They both believe themselves to be higher up on the glam chain than they actually are, continue getting into horrible relationships and then blaming everyone else. Microsoft XBOX, you are indeed the reason for teardrops on my guitar.
When I purchased the original XBOX system back in the day(huge black box with controllers the size of my size 14 shoes) I had high hopes. Halo was all the buzz, and, well, I’m not a huge Sony fan. So after shelling out a ridiculous price(Either, $349 or $299, don’t remember which), I arrived home with joy. Finally the moment had arrived, though, little did I know, it would be the first of a good plenty of XBOX sex romps with my wallet. Out of the box I discovered that I needed an additional $30 DVD playback kit in order to watch DVD’s. Why, you ask? Greed. There was no other reason for it, as the games themselves were on DVD and played back just fine. Over the next few years, Microsoft would beat me out of games that didn’t work out of their package, controllers going ape shit, a hard drive that failed, forcing me to wait as they tried to fix a supply shortage due to electrical problems with the system, and, finally, a pile of DVD’s that my XBOX had scratched beyond repair.
Enter the XBOX 360. This system looked like a piece of equipment at the local hospital, when it launched and, dare I say, was louder than a damn ventilator! I’m sure there had to be a reason for buying it at my local Wal-Mart for $399, other than stupidity. But, we’ll go with stupidity as I can’t remember why. I have effectively went through FIVE XBOX 360 systems, four of which have looked fate in the eyes and lost to red rings of death, power failure, disc drive errors and, let’s not forget, the fucking rings on DVD’s and games!
I once had an XBOX account specialist give me six months of XBOX Live service for free, leaving me to inform him that it was of no good because my damn XBOX 360 was broken. Hence the call. But my latest adventure, oh yes, my latest adventure down the XBOX road has proven to be the absolute worst yet.
We have two homes, one of which is in the sticks and without internet. I purchased another XBOX 360, though in my defense, it is a slim model that takes care of the above mentioned problems. $200. I then sit down and purchase another $200 in games from XBOX Live, which are entire games and are actually a bit more costly than their disc counterparts. My reasoning being, if the disc drive fails(again) then it won’t affect my gaming in the countryside. I arrive to hook up my system and discover that I must be online to play the games I overpaid for! Are you shitting me with this, Microsoft? Are you seriously telling me that I cannot play the games that I own on a system that I own because I am not connected to the internet and allowing you to stream commercials to my television? How mad was I after this happened? I’ll tell you.
I purchased an OUYA system and connected it to the internet back home. Loaded it with emulators/roms and purchased enough games from the OUYA Store to purchase a XBOX ONE system. Not the reduced price system that just released – which is admitting your original launch was a failure, but the $499 model. Fuck the XBOX ONE. I saw the commercial last night and I don’t need to record game footage or watch television while playing. I need a unit that works as advertised out of the box. So, while the twenty people that have purchased an XBOX ONE play Titanfall, I spent the weekend playing Zelda. Which one? Pick one, I own them all via OUYA.
If spending thousands of bucks on Microsoft garbage has taught me one thing, it is that restrictions are unwanted. When you force customers to connect to the internet in order to enjoy their games(and I actually re-downloaded several to ensure it’s a you problem), you are controlling their experience. It’s why you are falling from the top quicker than Lindsey Lohan’s undergarments. If I purchase a Harley, I want to ride the damn thing when and how I choose. So no thanks, I don’t want a game system I can talk to. I’ve done enough talking to the previous slew of shitty rigs I’ve bought from you. It’s not a money issue, it’s the fact that some suit and tie ruined my weekend of gaming for no reason other than greed. On a brighter note, when opening the OUYA I found a cool insert that read “So begins the revolution”. It felt good to spout out curse words in a positive way for a change when it comes to video games.